It Takes All Kinds

a Few Stories and Profiles by Erik Hedegaard
mainly from inside the pages of Rolling Stone
(with additional commentary and folderol provided by the author aka Charlie, sometimes)



American Pie Kids, featuring Tara Reid!

Posted on | September 30, 2008 | No Comments

Because of this piece, I was known for a while as Poison Pen Hedegaard at Tara Reid’s talent agency. As I told her rep, I tried three times to talk to Reid before the story went to press, to discuss the nature of her part in it and whether a/ this really reflected the true Tara or b/ she’d been out of her mind just that night and maybe I ought to tone it down. My calls were not returned. What could I do? At least I tried.

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Jenny McCarthy

Posted on | September 29, 2008 | No Comments

The other morning, Ray Manzella eased into a pair of shades, made his way out onto the deck of the Malibu bungalow that he shared with Jenny McCarthy, and called Jenny "the most diverse celebrity I’ve ever met." Because Jenny had made such a sensation out of herself on the MTV show Singled Out, about […]

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Dwayne Johnson aka the Rock

Posted on | September 28, 2008 | No Comments

Word got back to me that in general the Rock was okay with the story — though he could have done without the mention of his morning erection. Go figure.

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Andy Dick Needs Love

Posted on | September 28, 2008 | No Comments

Andy Dick just wants a little love, but he’ll settle for a lot of sex Out in hollywood, what Andy Dick could really use is some relief from the ladies. He should have on his mind his weekly MTV program, The Andy Dick Show, which features short, lunatic films, mostly starring humorous Andy-played characters such […]

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My Y2K Problem

Posted on | February 4, 2014 | No Comments

How I learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Y2K Bug. Living by the words in this piece cost me $250,000 at the time. Right now, it’s probably well over a million, minimum. Garffff!

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P.J. Clapp is Johnny Knoxville

Posted on | February 4, 2014 | No Comments

Three bullwhips, twenty rolls of bubble wrap, four croquet mallets, two flesh-colored thongs, two pairs of size-sixty pants, one jockstrap and cup, two plastic babies, one briefcase with several thousand volts of built-in shock power, one first-aid kit and one straitjacket are pushed to the side of a Holiday Inn hotel room in West Chester, Pennsylvania, where P.J. Clapp is about to start his working day. These things are the raw materials of his trade. Soon he will transform them into “magic,’’ as he sometimes calls what he does, and soon thereafter this magic will find its way to the public, by way of MTV, on the show Jackass.

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The Grass Casters: a Fanatic’s Tale

Posted on | February 4, 2014 | No Comments

If I had this one to do over, I would leave out the business about how fat this one fellow was. I understand it caused him considerable pain, and I’ve felt bad about it ever since. I thought about cutting it at the time. I just didn’t think about it hard enough, I guess. He didn’t deserve what I did to him — or, actually, what I allowed another fellow to do to him in a quote.

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Arianna Huffington, Intimately

Posted on | February 4, 2014 | No Comments

WHAT SHALL SHE WEAR today? She shall wear shapely buttock-accentuating
trousers, a sleeveless cowl-neck sweater (the better to show off her
shoulders, the bones and hollows there that she swears are her best
physical asset) and leg-lengthening high heels. Also, she shall style
her hair so that it achieves that saucy flip and height for which it is
famous and that has almost come to seem like a moral obligation: She is
never seen without it. She will, at times, apply beige lipstick …

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Bert Kreischer, the Undergraduate

Posted on | September 28, 2008 | No Comments

The life & times of the number-one party animal at the number-one party school.
The story’s main character, Bert, used the piece to get himself a life. First, he used it to become a standup comic in New York, then he took it to Los Angeles and got some kind of 6-figure deal with Will Smith’s production company. Last I heard, he was a performer on some FX show. Go, Bert!

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Tom Green’s Revenge

Posted on | September 28, 2008 | No Comments

The Tom Green on MTV’s Tom Green Show (the Tom Green with the funny faces, the obnoxious voice and the pratfalls; the one who humps dead moose, sucks cow teats, cons his grandmother into licking vibrators, eats human hair, etc., ad nauseam) is not precisely the same Tom Green who ambles around MTV’s Tom Green […]

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My Calculating Life

Posted on | September 27, 2008 | No Comments

Right now, I have over 550 handheld LED calculators from the 1970s sitting in my basement. At one point, I was the third largest collector of these calculators in the country. How did this happen to me?

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Hugh Jackman Is a Spy

Posted on | February 4, 2014 | No Comments

“My favorite thing when I was dating women,” he says, “if there was ever a question of your place or mine, it was always your place. I’m very inquisitive about women. I love nothing better than being in their lair, in their bedroom, and shutting their door and whatever their ritual was — I love being seduced by a woman and seeing how they wanted to attract me, what it was like in their place, how they made love in their space, how they made breakfast in their place, what their place was like. I’m unbelievably inquisitive about all of that. And I would fall in love with the differences in the lair, I think, as much as anything.”

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Crispin Glover Is Not Messed Up

Posted on | February 4, 2014 | No Comments

There, behind a door, rests a cumbersome-looking metallic contraption. It is often said to be an early example of a gynecological chair, the point obviously being to suggest that Glover, in addition to his volcano obsession, also might have some other, less-savory interests. But the chair, it seems, is not what it is thought to be.

“It’s just not,” Glover says, sounding aggrieved. “It’s just an old medical chair I got for probably $100 at the Salvation Army in Santa Monica nineteen years ago. That’s all it is. If it was a gynecological table, it would have stirrups on it.”

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Asheville’s Would-be Nudist Mayor

Posted on | February 4, 2014 | 1 Comment

Ukiah Morrison was a pot-smoking nudist living the freak’s life in Ashville, NC. Then he decided to wanted to become the town’s mayor.

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Matt Dillon Is Stressed Out

Posted on | February 4, 2014 | No Comments

“My mom used to say to me, ‘What happened to you, Matt? You used to
be such an easygoing kid.’ Starting to act at a young age puts certain
pressures on you. You sometimes feel you’re in a battle when other kids
are just being kids. You’ve got to sink or swim, Jack.”

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World’s Worst Investor

Posted on | February 4, 2014 | No Comments

Dr. McCall called forth one of his lieutenants, a black belt named Robert, and handed him a cucumber. Robert placed the cucumber against his own neck, covering his jugular vein. “Here’s what’s going to happen,” Dr. McCall said. “I’m going to take action, and Robert’s going to be still. Both are absolutely essential to success. I’ve got a tolerance for error of one one-hundredth of an inch.” Dr. McCall had in his hand a gleaming steel sword. He brought it back and held it high. Then, with a sharp cry, he swung the sword forward at cannonball speed, toward the soft cucumber pressed into Robert’s equally soft neck.

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New Age Pro Bass Fishing Maniacs!!!

Posted on | February 4, 2014 | No Comments

“I’m gonna share a couple of things here that you might find interesting,” Chupp the preacher liked to say. “When God created this earth, what did He cover this earth 80 percent with? Water! When the Lord Jesus came to this earth and started His public ministry, where was the first place He went? To the river! The first disciples He called, what occupation did they have? Fishermen! God loves fishermen!

“Now, one thing I would like to share is that you and I are just like fish. Either we’re going to the big pond or we’re going to the frying pan.”

On the other hand, there were also some that thought Harmon might possibly be a nut. Foremost among these were a trio of anglers, a trinity of sorts—Rick Clunn, Gary Klein, and Randy Blaukat. It was about them that the Zen article and consequent letters had been written. They were the ones headed for the frying pan. They were the masquerading angels of light.

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Nikki Avalon

Posted on | August 23, 2008 | No Comments

She lives in Vegas and will be anything you want her to be — for a price. But what you really should want is for her to just be herself. She’s that special. And cute. And nice.

I wrote this story for Rolling Stone’s special Vegas issue but it got yanked at the last minute for pace reasons (or so I was told). I sent it over to Playboy, where it found an immediate and appy home and was published in July 2007. Now I read that great filmmaker Steven Soderbergh is himself making a movie about the so-called girlfriend experience. The name of his movie? Yup, you guessed it: The Girlfriend Experience. All I can hope is that the finished flick doesn’t bear too much of a resemblance to my story, because if it does, well, that’d really sadden and depress me.

Update: I emailed Soderbergh’s producer on this one, the all-around-great-guy Mark Cuban, and he sez he got pitched the Girlfriend Experience idea well before 07/07. Enough said. I believe him.

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Christopher Walken*
Bruce Dern
Woody Harrelson*
Charlie Sheen*
The End Boys*
Robert Downey Jr*
The UFC's Dana White
John Bon Jovi**
Denis Leary
Matt Dillon
Arianna Huffington
Simon Cowell*
Chuck Pahluniuk
Justin Timberlake*
Mickey Rourke
Jesse James
Chloe Sevigny
American Pie Kids featuring Tara Reid's Hamburger!*
Mark Wahlberg
Scream II girls*
Shania Twain*
Michael Bay
The Rock*
Andy Dick
Tom Green
Bert Kreischer
Asia Argento*

Oddities & Ends

The Lobster Boy: an American Horror Story
Pro Bikini Contest Babes!
My Stupid Y2K Problem
Pro Bass Fishing New Agers
Nazi on Campus
Nikki Avalon
Me, Professional Gambler
The Grass Casters' Tale
Inside Pro Bodybuilding
Ross Jeffries, Speed Seducer
eBay Fries a Brain
World's Worst Investor
Asheville's Would-be Nudist Mayor

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