It Takes All Kinds

a Few Stories and Profiles by Erik Hedegaard
mainly from inside the pages of Rolling Stone
(with additional commentary and folderol provided by the author aka Charlie, sometimes)



Cool-Hot Norah Jones

Posted on | October 8, 2008 | No Comments

“Rump steak,” she said brightly. “I’ve always liked the sound of that. Is it really the rump? I guess that’s why they call it that. It’s the ass. It tastes like ass.” She laughed at her own train of thought. She ordered a beef tenderloin, cooked medium, as well as a cucumber salad and avocado dip; and then, with all that to look forward to, launched into a brief account of how she got here in the first place.

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Chris Farley: the Big Guy Goes Down

Posted on | October 7, 2008 | No Comments

CHRIS FARLEY 1864-1997 The last time I saw chris farley was early last summer, in the middle of the night, at the Sky Bar, a breezy, cool, happening joint on Sunset Boulevard, in L.A. He eased on out of his limo as big as ever, in black engineer’s boots, a black suit and a spread-collar […]

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Denis Leary

Posted on | October 7, 2008 | No Comments

Denis Leary vents his rage onstage so he doesn’t have to deal with it
in real life. Is this any way for a normal person to behave?

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Ozzy Osbourne

Posted on | October 6, 2008 | No Comments

Not long ago, this piece was a top-
five finalist at the National
Magazine Awards, which is the
magazine racket’s equivalent to the
Oscars. The piece ran before the
advent of the Osbournes’ TV show
and, in fact, paved the way for the
show. Did they ever thank me with
a nice fat cash gift? Hell no! That’s
gratitude for you.

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Smoking Pot with Rodney Dangerfield

Posted on | October 6, 2008 | 1 Comment

Gone to Pot Rodney Dangerfield finally gets a little respect You may be wondering what Rodney Dangerfield, at the age of eighty-two, after nearly a lifetime in the business of making other people laugh, is up to these days. Mainly, he’s bathrobed and hanging out in his airy, ultradeluxe twenty-first-floor apartment in Los Angeles, smoking […]

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Cameron Diaz, Christina Applegate & Selma Blair

Posted on | October 5, 2008 | No Comments

In which we take on the challenge and learn much about sex, swearing, male losers, female bonding, babe-on-babe action and kissing with too much tongue ONE SUNNY DAY, ACTRESSES CAMERON Diaz, Christina Applegate and Selma Blair converge on an unsuspecting little bistro and bakery in West Hollywood, where they belch a lot, cuss a lot, […]

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Michael Bay: the Director

Posted on | October 5, 2008 | No Comments

I hear that Bay called a friend after reading this one and asked her if she thought he needed to go see a shrink. The answer, I have not heard.

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Asia Argento, So Very Very …

Posted on | February 4, 2014 | No Comments

This was actually an RS cover story and probably one of the worst sellers in the history of the magazine. It’s not because people hate Argento, of couse, but because, at the time, nobody knew who the hell she was. And they still don’t.
Meanwhile, this was one of my early experiments in using the so-called royal we, which I did in order to avoid having to use the dreaded “I” word. This, too, probably held back a few issues from being sold. Oddly, the story was a rush job that I reported over the phone but presented as if I were right there, in the hotel room with her, as she said things like, “Yes, I have many wet dreams, all the time, very sexual dreams. They are the best. Recently, I had one about a love I’d had, and actually the sex with him wasn’t really great. But in the dream he was very good. So maybe I was trying to help him in some way.” Hot. Very, very hot.

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Tori Spelling

Posted on | October 1, 2008 | No Comments

This is the second story I’ve done about Tori Spelling. She gets a lot of heat, but I like her (though, as you’ll see if you read my eBay story, I did skip out early during a lunch with her so I could go on an old-calculator hunt in L.A.’s 2nd-hand shops. Hey, you’ve got to have your priorities!)

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Grady Stiles, the Lobster Boy

Posted on | September 30, 2008 | No Comments

Cruel and Unusual: Grady Stiles was born with claws for hands, flippers for feet, and a stone for a heart. This is the story of the bizarre life and gruesome death of the last of America’s sideshow freaks.
This one has troubled me weekly ever since it came out. I. Can’t. Shake. It. Really, I can’t.

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American Pie Kids, featuring Tara Reid!

Posted on | September 30, 2008 | No Comments

Because of this piece, I was known for a while as Poison Pen Hedegaard at Tara Reid’s talent agency. As I told her rep, I tried three times to talk to Reid before the story went to press, to discuss the nature of her part in it and whether a/ this really reflected the true Tara or b/ she’d been out of her mind just that night and maybe I ought to tone it down. My calls were not returned. What could I do? At least I tried.

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Jenny McCarthy

Posted on | September 29, 2008 | No Comments

The other morning, Ray Manzella eased into a pair of shades, made his way out onto the deck of the Malibu bungalow that he shared with Jenny McCarthy, and called Jenny "the most diverse celebrity I’ve ever met." Because Jenny had made such a sensation out of herself on the MTV show Singled Out, about […]

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Dwayne Johnson aka the Rock

Posted on | September 28, 2008 | No Comments

Word got back to me that in general the Rock was okay with the story — though he could have done without the mention of his morning erection. Go figure.

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Andy Dick Needs Love

Posted on | September 28, 2008 | No Comments

Andy Dick just wants a little love, but he’ll settle for a lot of sex Out in hollywood, what Andy Dick could really use is some relief from the ladies. He should have on his mind his weekly MTV program, The Andy Dick Show, which features short, lunatic films, mostly starring humorous Andy-played characters such […]

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My Y2K Problem

Posted on | February 4, 2014 | No Comments

How I learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Y2K Bug. Living by the words in this piece cost me $250,000 at the time. Right now, it’s probably well over a million, minimum. Garffff!

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P.J. Clapp is Johnny Knoxville

Posted on | February 4, 2014 | No Comments

Three bullwhips, twenty rolls of bubble wrap, four croquet mallets, two flesh-colored thongs, two pairs of size-sixty pants, one jockstrap and cup, two plastic babies, one briefcase with several thousand volts of built-in shock power, one first-aid kit and one straitjacket are pushed to the side of a Holiday Inn hotel room in West Chester, Pennsylvania, where P.J. Clapp is about to start his working day. These things are the raw materials of his trade. Soon he will transform them into “magic,’’ as he sometimes calls what he does, and soon thereafter this magic will find its way to the public, by way of MTV, on the show Jackass.

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The Grass Casters: a Fanatic’s Tale

Posted on | February 4, 2014 | No Comments

If I had this one to do over, I would leave out the business about how fat this one fellow was. I understand it caused him considerable pain, and I’ve felt bad about it ever since. I thought about cutting it at the time. I just didn’t think about it hard enough, I guess. He didn’t deserve what I did to him — or, actually, what I allowed another fellow to do to him in a quote.

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Arianna Huffington, Intimately

Posted on | February 4, 2014 | No Comments

WHAT SHALL SHE WEAR today? She shall wear shapely buttock-accentuating
trousers, a sleeveless cowl-neck sweater (the better to show off her
shoulders, the bones and hollows there that she swears are her best
physical asset) and leg-lengthening high heels. Also, she shall style
her hair so that it achieves that saucy flip and height for which it is
famous and that has almost come to seem like a moral obligation: She is
never seen without it. She will, at times, apply beige lipstick …

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Bert Kreischer, the Undergraduate

Posted on | September 28, 2008 | No Comments

The life & times of the number-one party animal at the number-one party school.
The story’s main character, Bert, used the piece to get himself a life. First, he used it to become a standup comic in New York, then he took it to Los Angeles and got some kind of 6-figure deal with Will Smith’s production company. Last I heard, he was a performer on some FX show. Go, Bert!

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Tom Green’s Revenge

Posted on | September 28, 2008 | No Comments

The Tom Green on MTV’s Tom Green Show (the Tom Green with the funny faces, the obnoxious voice and the pratfalls; the one who humps dead moose, sucks cow teats, cons his grandmother into licking vibrators, eats human hair, etc., ad nauseam) is not precisely the same Tom Green who ambles around MTV’s Tom Green […]

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My Calculating Life

Posted on | September 27, 2008 | No Comments

Right now, I have over 550 handheld LED calculators from the 1970s sitting in my basement. At one point, I was the third largest collector of these calculators in the country. How did this happen to me?

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Hugh Jackman Is a Spy

Posted on | February 4, 2014 | No Comments

“My favorite thing when I was dating women,” he says, “if there was ever a question of your place or mine, it was always your place. I’m very inquisitive about women. I love nothing better than being in their lair, in their bedroom, and shutting their door and whatever their ritual was — I love being seduced by a woman and seeing how they wanted to attract me, what it was like in their place, how they made love in their space, how they made breakfast in their place, what their place was like. I’m unbelievably inquisitive about all of that. And I would fall in love with the differences in the lair, I think, as much as anything.”

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Crispin Glover Is Not Messed Up

Posted on | February 4, 2014 | No Comments

There, behind a door, rests a cumbersome-looking metallic contraption. It is often said to be an early example of a gynecological chair, the point obviously being to suggest that Glover, in addition to his volcano obsession, also might have some other, less-savory interests. But the chair, it seems, is not what it is thought to be.

“It’s just not,” Glover says, sounding aggrieved. “It’s just an old medical chair I got for probably $100 at the Salvation Army in Santa Monica nineteen years ago. That’s all it is. If it was a gynecological table, it would have stirrups on it.”

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Asheville’s Would-be Nudist Mayor

Posted on | February 4, 2014 | 1 Comment

Ukiah Morrison was a pot-smoking nudist living the freak’s life in Ashville, NC. Then he decided to wanted to become the town’s mayor.

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Matt Dillon Is Stressed Out

Posted on | February 4, 2014 | No Comments

“My mom used to say to me, ‘What happened to you, Matt? You used to
be such an easygoing kid.’ Starting to act at a young age puts certain
pressures on you. You sometimes feel you’re in a battle when other kids
are just being kids. You’ve got to sink or swim, Jack.”

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World’s Worst Investor

Posted on | February 4, 2014 | No Comments

Dr. McCall called forth one of his lieutenants, a black belt named Robert, and handed him a cucumber. Robert placed the cucumber against his own neck, covering his jugular vein. “Here’s what’s going to happen,” Dr. McCall said. “I’m going to take action, and Robert’s going to be still. Both are absolutely essential to success. I’ve got a tolerance for error of one one-hundredth of an inch.” Dr. McCall had in his hand a gleaming steel sword. He brought it back and held it high. Then, with a sharp cry, he swung the sword forward at cannonball speed, toward the soft cucumber pressed into Robert’s equally soft neck.

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New Age Pro Bass Fishing Maniacs!!!

Posted on | February 4, 2014 | No Comments

“I’m gonna share a couple of things here that you might find interesting,” Chupp the preacher liked to say. “When God created this earth, what did He cover this earth 80 percent with? Water! When the Lord Jesus came to this earth and started His public ministry, where was the first place He went? To the river! The first disciples He called, what occupation did they have? Fishermen! God loves fishermen!

“Now, one thing I would like to share is that you and I are just like fish. Either we’re going to the big pond or we’re going to the frying pan.”

On the other hand, there were also some that thought Harmon might possibly be a nut. Foremost among these were a trio of anglers, a trinity of sorts—Rick Clunn, Gary Klein, and Randy Blaukat. It was about them that the Zen article and consequent letters had been written. They were the ones headed for the frying pan. They were the masquerading angels of light.

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Nikki Avalon

Posted on | August 23, 2008 | No Comments

She lives in Vegas and will be anything you want her to be — for a price. But what you really should want is for her to just be herself. She’s that special. And cute. And nice.

I wrote this story for Rolling Stone’s special Vegas issue but it got yanked at the last minute for pace reasons (or so I was told). I sent it over to Playboy, where it found an immediate and appy home and was published in July 2007. Now I read that great filmmaker Steven Soderbergh is himself making a movie about the so-called girlfriend experience. The name of his movie? Yup, you guessed it: The Girlfriend Experience. All I can hope is that the finished flick doesn’t bear too much of a resemblance to my story, because if it does, well, that’d really sadden and depress me.

Update: I emailed Soderbergh’s producer on this one, the all-around-great-guy Mark Cuban, and he sez he got pitched the Girlfriend Experience idea well before 07/07. Enough said. I believe him.

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Christopher Walken*
Bruce Dern
Woody Harrelson*
Charlie Sheen*
The End Boys*
Robert Downey Jr*
The UFC's Dana White
John Bon Jovi**
Denis Leary
Matt Dillon
Arianna Huffington
Simon Cowell*
Chuck Pahluniuk
Justin Timberlake*
Mickey Rourke
Jesse James
Chloe Sevigny
American Pie Kids featuring Tara Reid's Hamburger!*
Mark Wahlberg
Scream II girls*
Shania Twain*
Michael Bay
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Andy Dick
Tom Green
Bert Kreischer
Asia Argento*

Oddities & Ends

The Lobster Boy: an American Horror Story
Pro Bikini Contest Babes!
My Stupid Y2K Problem
Pro Bass Fishing New Agers
Nazi on Campus
Nikki Avalon
Me, Professional Gambler
The Grass Casters' Tale
Inside Pro Bodybuilding
Ross Jeffries, Speed Seducer
eBay Fries a Brain
World's Worst Investor
Asheville's Would-be Nudist Mayor

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